12 Things you should stop saying now, like now!

12 Stupid things we should stop saying to our teenagers. Like now!

1. I was once young too you know!

They don’t give a juicy goose’s fart that you were once young. That thought has not even entered their hormonal head; you were born middle age to them. They don’t care to think about you as a teenager that’s way too awkward.

2. When I was young we didn’t even have mobile phones!

Don’t go there; you just end up sounding like you once roamed the hills with dinosaurs.  I have heard so many times that there is no way I could possibly understand modern technology or modern life, so we really don’t want to cement that by bringing up life before mobile phones.  Back to the wireless for radio hour then!

3. I think we need to have a chat about safe sex?

This statement to a teenager is like mentioning Fergie to the Royal Family. They will avoid this topic with you at all costs. Nobody really wants to talk about sex with their parents, its cringe worthy at the very least and torture at the worst. Please I beg you to back away from the condoms and bananas before irreparable damage is done to this poor teenager and for the love of Mother Nature do not open that book. You know which one, the unspeakable,(whisper) “Where did I come from?” circa 1973.

Just leave the good stuff, the sex Ed materials and safe sex products on their bed for them to read and ask their friends like we did. On second thoughts maybe suggest they text you with questions.

4. Why do I have to tell you the same thing over and over again?

Apparently according to bloody science, teenage brains literally aren’t physically fully formed or connected. So apparently the main impact of their brain not being formed is their inability to process information in a way that looks at the entire picture. The last part of the brain to connect up is the frontal lobe, which is also the part of the brain that governs attention span, impulses, and motivation. F%$#king science.

5. Come on get up and dance.

You know you have done it after one too many drinks, haven’t you? Yep every mum has said those 6 little mortally embarrassing words; “Come on get up and dance”. You might be getting your groove on to the nutbush, the Macarena, Uptown Funk or Beyoncé’s single ladies, but they would rather the earth opened up and swallowed them whole.  In fact consider this as a type of punishment that you bring out when taking the phone away doesn’t work.

6. Can you let me know before it becomes urgent please?

Apparently F%$#king science has the answer to this too, see number 4 for the for incomplete brain thing.

7. Please get off your phone and talk with your family.

Seriously why would they when most of us are not leading the way. I’m just as addicted to my phone as my son is to his. Like his Holiness the Dalai Lama says “First child I must learn myself, before I can teach you. Great advice Dal!

8. I’m not your taxi service.

Um reality check, yes you are.  Who else is going to do it, they can’t drive yet, you’re it. You could however teach them about that strange thing called public transport; they might have heard of it or seen it on their phones.

9. Where would you like to go on a family day out?

You can just say this to them for shits and giggles if you like and watch their face contort like they have been told that the internet has gone down forever.

If you want to do this for real, don’t give them a choice, don’t even tell them. Just pack the car and tell them you’re all going to get takeaway.

Once in the car put the child proof lock on. They should calm down about an hour into the trip. Just make sure you have alerted the police in case they try to call them to say you have kidnapped them.

10. Can you be nice to you sibling please.

As soon as you say this you know in their minds they are thinking well I now know who your favourite is. Instead say to them if they are nice for one whole hour the internet gets put back on for one whole hour. ‘Reward kindness with internet’ (old Chinese proverb, maybe!)

11. You don’t know the meaning of hard work.

Of course they do they had to put up with us all these years didn’t they?

12. Why are you sooooo sensitive?”

F%$#king Science again, I kid you not. Try not to ask this especially when they are sensitive.

Research shows that the area of the brain that regulates emotions is still developing. So, expect those mood swings and extremes. Duck and weave, weave and duck I tell you.

The only thing I have learnt about what works is this. Explain to them (not when they are sensitive) that you are in fact human and by golly you might just make a mistake once and a while, just like them. Apologise and move on, well at least for 5 minutes or so, until you make the next mistake.